HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR TODDLER | STRATEGIES FOR TANTRUMS AND THE TERRIBLE TWO’S

Whether you’re a parent battling the terrible two’s or navigating that transition to preschool, we’re all just trying to do our best for our little ones. And I do not believe this comes naturally, so if you feel clueless, don’t feel bad at all. On my instagram (@bitsofbri) over the weekend, I asked what you’d like to see on the blog next, and I got this request from @mrs.s.s and thought it coordinated with the video I posted on my YouTube Channel today about tips to make the transition to preschool.

I think because I was trained in behavior management strategies as a 7th grade English teacher, I’ve sort of applied what I learned back then to how I parent my own kids. I’ll give you the basics of what I learned in behavior management 101, and some insight into how I apply it now with my son (3 1/2) and daughter (1 1/2).

Just remember this: Every child is different. This is true in a classroom of 30 kids or a household with two toddlers. Differentiation is key, and a strategy that works well for one child, might not fit another child, and it totally depends on the day. My kiddos, Landon and Presley, could not be a better example of this. Therefore, my parenting and behavior management strategies may look completely different for each of them at certain times.

So, this is sort of like a strategy buffet. Try things out that you think might be good, and once you figure out what suits your little ones, stick with that and stay consistent. I cannot stress this enough! Do what works for you. And don’t let anyone shame you or make you feel like you should be doing anything different.

And note, just like any healthy diet, starting out with a good meal plan can set you up for success. It’s always easier to start off on the right track, so if you’re routinely implementing the rules and routines, it can help prevent, minimize or stop the negative behavior, so I’m starting with those. The later strategies are to help when the cringe-worthy tantrum ensues. But just like cosmic brownies and wine busting your diet (or at least that’s usually what does mine in…), tantrums will happen. And for non-teaching folks, it is so common for teachers after every holiday break to need to “reset” all the rules of the classroom. So let’s start with how to get off on the right track and press that reset button with your kiddos!

Set rules, routines, and boundaries: Especially if you are parenting with a partner or a nanny or other caregiver, be clear on the rules, routines, and boundaries. These can be simple.

1. Our routine in the mornings:
   1. Bathroom/diaper changed
   2. Teeth brushed
   3. Clothes changed
   4. Breakfast
   5. Ready to go out the door for the day (FYI: I pack everything the night before)
2. Our rules are also nothing out of the ordinary:
   1. Say please + thank you
   2. Clean up after yourself (within reason for their ages, but mainly putting away toys, throwing away trash, clothes go in hamper, and cup goes in the sink)
   3. No hitting or pushing or throwing
   4. Share our toys
   5. Treat others how you wish to be treated
3. Our boundaries are pretty physical:
   1. No opening doors or going outside without an adult
   2. Not taking anything out of the trash
   3. Not putting hands in the toilet (because all toddlers are magnetically pulled to do this)

The kids know what to expect. That feels safe for them. They know the rules, but if someone breaks the rules, they know what happens. We have a system of two warnings then a time out. Landon understands the system fully at 3, and same rules apply to Presley so we know she’s grasping it. It usually never gets to the time out, but of course, we have our days…don’t we all. At that point, I usually just pray too.

But here are the positive behavior incentive strategies I try to implement every day (the fruits and veggies on the buffet if you will)…

1. Verbal Praise: When you see your little one doing something correctly, encourage them. Be specific as possible, and focus on their effort or good behavior. Example, “Your painting is beautiful! I love how you made different color leaves on the tree for fall!” or “You were so polite. You should be proud of how well you shared and said please and thank you!” It also works well to share their accomplishments out loud to another adult. When potty training, I shared with Adam and my GG regularly when Landon had a day with no accidents when he was in the room, so he could gain pride in how he was learning so quickly! At three, Landon has even started giving his sister verbal praise when she shares or helps put toys away, so it’s nice to see him join in with this.
2. Physical Touch: Giving your little one a hug, a pat on the back, holding their hand, rubbing their head etc. Whatever type of physical connection you can give to show you love and care can totally alter a child’s mood. I started realizing that when I gave Landon a huge hug before I put him in the car after preschool really changed his mood and he opened up to me a lot more about his day. A big hug indicated to him that I missed him so much more than the words “I missed you- tell me about your day!” This also helps Presley feel safe- as soon as I notice she is nervous or looks uneasy about anything, if I pick her up and hold her close, I can instantly sense that she feels safe and secure again. A lot of times the terrible two behavior can be triggered when kids don’t feel safe or are craving attention, so keeping the physical security and feelings of safety strong can help minimize the negative behavior.
3. Reward System: This doesn’t necessarily have to be done every day, but every day over a period of time for learning big new concepts like potty training, a sticker chart worked wonders as a positive behavior incentive. Or if you’re trying to ensure your toddler is eating fruits and veggies, maybe you pick out a toy together at the store, and after a week of eating fruits and veggies every day, they get the toy. In the classroom, we had beads and once the jar was filled, the kids got to pick a movie or a treat for the class. You get the idea- anything that is a system showing their progress to a larger reward teaches hard work, patience, and praises their efforts.
4. Individualized attention: Let’s face it- we all want someone to think we’re special. For Presley, this isn’t as big of a deal. She’s the baby, so she needs a lot of individual attention anyways, and now that Landon is in preschool, we have a lot more 1:1 time during those days. However, Landon was used to being the star of the show, so I always try to find some time for him to get alone time with me, whether it’s reading him bedtime stories or just taking him with me to a store on the weekends when Adam can stay home with P. I’ve noticed some of Landon’s roughest days with the worst tantrums have been when he hasn’t gotten the attention I think he’s craving. So moms of multiple children, you might be able to comment your tips for how you find time for each of your kiddos. (Going back to my classroom roots: with 30 kids at a time, this was never easy, but I would try to greet every child individually when they came into the room, and leave little notes on every kids assignment when I graded papers etc. to make sure they felt special. So since my babies can’t read yet, I’m still navigating this myself!)

Now, despite trying our best to do all of the above, our kids are not perfect. Presley recently has found hitting Landon to be the funniest thing in the world. And my girlfriend Brigitte and I can finally laugh about Landon’s worst meltdown of all time at Chick-fil-a when P was a newborn. (Sorry to any other customers who might have witnessed that!) He was literally gripping the door and screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn’t want to leave. So here are the in the heat of the moment strategies you can try for when the inevitable tantrum, crying meltdown, hits or pushes, etc. happens, if you can remember them in that moment of panic.

1. Make Eye Contact: Sometimes, that can almost shock kids into stopping their behavior. In the classroom, we called this teacher stare. But sometimes, that direct eye contact with a look of disapproval can halt bad behavior. With Landon, if I see him take a toy away from Presley and I give him the stare, he instantly gives the toy back and is apologizing.
2. Removal/Ignore: Get your child away from physical harm if they are being hit/pushed/hurt. With P’s recent slapstick humor, we realized she is doing it to get a rise out of everyone. She likes joking around, and she found it funny to get our reactions. What she doesn’t like, is when we pick up Landon and leave her alone in the room, or since Landon is old enough, we’ve told him to walk away from her and ignore her if she ever hits him. And our system is two warnings and a time out, but if a serious infraction occurs, we go straight to time out, and both of our kids really seem to dislike being put in time out or being taken away from the fun.
3. Wait it Out:  As for tantrums, if you’re not embarrassed of the stares you’ll get from every judgmental human in Chick-fil-a or Target, you can also just wait it out. Let them do their toddler thing. Every parent who’s been there too isn’t going to care, and if there’s a perfect parent out there who can tell us how to ensure your toddler will never have a tantrum, then please comment. I’d love your secrets.
4. Give a hug. To the physical touch point above, if your little one is upset because they don’t feel safe or comfortable, or if they are hitting and lashing out inappropriately, you can help model the right type of physical touch. Even if you really just want to pop them for punching their baby sister.
5. Speak softly. This totally goes against my instinct. If someone’s loud, shouldn’t I get louder? But when I think back to my amazing kindergarten teacher, she could make the whole room lull to a hush because she would slowly whisper her directions to the class over and over, and everyone would quiet down. Sometimes this has worked for Landon. Whisper something over and over to calm them down. Worth a shot with your little one.
6. Divert attention. Now, some psychologists don’t support this tactic because if you never address how your child is feeling or why they are lashing out, that is problematic in the long term. However, if you are in church for your cousins wedding ceremony and baby is about to go buck wild during the vows, maybe point out how cool that candle on the altar is,or how pretty the stain glass is, or how yummy those bunny grahams you have in your diaper bag are, etc. Whatever it takes if you really don’t want to leave the room.
7. Breathe. Pray. This too shall pass. Toddler tantrums, terrible two’s, and threenagers are rough. Try to breathe. It’s exhausting. If you’re not pregnant, you deserve a glass of wine that day to reward yourself for making it through. And if you’re pregnant, try a cosmic brownie. Sorry if that advice busts anyone else’s diet.

So despite wanting to crawl into bed with your wine and brownie after the tantrum ends and the discipline is over, I feel like there is a need for a debrief. Now, with Presley, this looks a little different. It’s more me talking at this point. I’m just reassuring her that everyone gets upset and cries, or that hitting is against the rules and is not funny, but I love her and will help her to understand. With Landon, I do ask him why he does things, validate his feelings if he’s mad or sad or confused, explain anything to make him feel better, and tell him what the rules are for moving forward and that I love him. I know written down this last bit probably sounds so kumbaya, but I hope it models for them when they are upset in the future (whether it’s sadness or anger or anything in-between) that I’m there for them and love them unconditionally.

If you have any tips for surviving the terrible two’s, dealing with sassy threenagers, or what to do when your toddler hits or throws a tantrum, please leave your wisdom for all of us in the comments!!

-Brianna K xoxo